OK, I know it's late...

but i found something i had to share with you.

Now, I'm not sure how much anyone wants to know about my personal sex life (a lot i bet), but when browsing this evening i found this image, (censored, of course)



I was awestruck. Who wears a Throbbing Gristle T-shirt to make amateur porn? The man I would MARRY, that's who.

If you are out there, you can come on a mission for my dead soul any day.

Coping Strategies

Coping Strategies

Coping Strategies Idea One(For the homosexual male): Paint your glans with nail varnish ( red is recommended) on drifting off to sleep. In the morning stare down and imagine that you have a crippling STD that has made you all swollen. You may feel a sinking dread, but it will be accompanied by a vague fruity acknowledgement that you must have done it with someone.

NOTE: this only works for the first couple of seconds of coming around

patent pending

Coping Strategies

Coping Strategies

Coping Strategies Idea One(For the heterosexual male): Paint your toe nails ( red is recommended) on drifting off to sleep poke your feet out the end of the bed on waking in a morning haze you will be surprised at the female like feet sticking out the end of the bed. This creates the effect of a brief scene of being.

NOTE: this only works for the first couple of seconds of coming around

This is How I Feel

It's getting a bit self indulgent i know, but these are the consequences of being left alone with broadband at my Mum's house. I am looking after an ill brother and i am freaking bored to shit. i feel like a petrified oak. And since Dan insists on having some sort of 'life', i will have to put in the leg work on the jazz evening front. Prepare for a slow belly slide down the mud chute of my words into the fetid marsh self-pity. By tomorrow i will just be posting pictures of myself crying.

On a plus note (there is no such thing, only minuses) i have downloaded a fuck load of soul music. Brenda Holloway, Barbara & The Browns and Marlena Shaw are big on the iTunes at the moment. Soul, in particular Deep Soul, is really the perfect music for me, as it's the most whiny shit in the world. But transcendentally whiny, obviously. Irma Thomas, as I mentioned in my previous post, is currently my mouth piece. 'Yours Until Tomorrow', an incredible ballad from 1968, is unbelievable, I am sure her voice can literally melt wax and burn through microphones on this track. She genuinely sobs as she howls 'Let me be yours until tomorrow, just let me be yours until tomorrow, give me one night, one night of your life, baby, so i can go on'. I think she pierced the sun, and made me go 'owwww, poor me'.

But the ultimate comes with 'I Wish Someone Would Care', the national anthem of lonely blogging twats. The words say it all:

Sitting home alone
Thinking about my past
Wondering how i made it
And how long it's going to last
Sucess has come to lots of them
And failure's always there
Time, time waits for no one
And i wish, how i wish someone would care

Yeah

Some folks think you're happy
When you wear your smile
What about your tribulations
And all, all of your trials?
Smiles, smiles hide lots of things
The good, the bad, the hurt
All of this goes too
And i wish, i wish, how i wish someone would care

Wish someone would care
Don't you think someone should care?
Don't you think someone should care?
Sit down and think about yourself

boo hoo hoo

A Soundtrack to Ours Lifes

It's a hard life for a man with no wife and i wish, how i wish someone would care, because i'm sick and weary of being alone. How many years must a girl be lonely before she ever finds her goal? I don't know baby, maybe it's all in my mind, but it's a lone lone lonely town, and i'm crying every day. I just want to happy, sipping, puffing passing, relaxing with my family, all i really want is to be happy. And doesn't it feel good to know that you've been loved?

I'm so busy, so busy thinking about kissing you, and how i want to do that without entertaining another thought.

Let me be yours until tomorrow.





1) 'Hard Life' by Bonnie 'Prince' Billy
2) 'Wish Someone Would Care' by Irma Thomas, Marcia Ball & Tracie Nelson
3) 'Heart Needs A Home' by Richard & Linda Thompson
4) 'How Many Days?' by Syreeta
5) 'All In My Mind' by Maxine Brown
6) 'Lone Lonely Town' by Tammi Terrell
7) 'No More Tears' by Teedra Moses
8) 'Be Happy' by Mary J. Blige
9) 'A Lovestory' by Thomas Dybdahl
10) 'A Little Lost' by Arthur Russell
11) 'Yours Until Tomorrow' by Irma Thomas

The shorts have been found

£8 from Freshman's bingo









an 'on' shot?



















go on then

Summer Wardrobe

This is what i plan to wear this summer (roughly)

my plan is to lounge around in the Botanical Gardens like I'm on the frigging Chelsea piers or something and try and draw boys to me with my combination of girlish tube-socked calves and hairy thighs poking out of my tennis shorts.

On Finger length

And by the way, my index finger is longer than my third one, so i must be extra gay, which is pretty true actually.

Is this right?

Is this what men want to see? I don't even know anymore



Why did i put tattos in there? is that a male stereotype? The only straight men i know like cooking and eyeliner and sound cards and chess and CD decks and shirts. The only gay men i know like Dreamgirls and bears and dressing up

so, shit, man

keep your ho on a leash

bitch is running wild

Given a romantic setting how could this not work?

Patent Pending

If it was so simple. I have decided to fashion a set of head dresses following on from Jamie’s earlier suggestions of face masks........
To craft such a thing of beauty you will need to first pick your audience, mine is ladies, women, girls, the female.....and as all heterosexual men know what a lady really loves is flowers lots of then.
The trickery is in planting yourself into the bed of the subject.




Patent Pending

Lynx Julia Raeside Saturday June 9, 2007 The Guardian

Advertisers used to tell young women that if they smelt nice, young men would give them flowers. But now they're telling chaps that a spray of sickly guff in a tin will have chicks pumping their pelvises at them before they can say, "How do you do? My name is Chris. Would you like a spritzer?"
If "Chris" spent less time in front of the mirror, dousing himself in Lynx Knob, he might know there's very little pulling power to be gained from something which costs £2.50. The latest Lynx campaign depicts a series of women who smell Lynx and immediately dry hump the men wearing it. An excess of Lynx usually causes people to move downstairs on the bus, not rise from their seats and start air-shagging. And each display of primal groin grinding is preceded by the instantly wearing catchphrase, "Bom chicka wah wah", sung to a tune as instantaneously unshakeable as the closing bars of the Grange Hill theme tune. Consider your internal jukebox well and truly violated for the rest of your life.

The most irksome ad sees a supermarket drone going about his business in the perishables aisle when a leggy model with an Afro sniffs his musk and loses all sense of propriety. She puts on the full tail-feather display, jiggling her bumper hither and yon while he stares at her arse like an astonished goat. He doesn't look aroused - just afraid. It's not chewing-gum or jeans or a tin of man perfume that any of us actually use to get each other into bed. It's alcohol. A campaign of adverts for strong cider where people sniff a pint and start rutting on the pub floor would be nearer the truth.

Maby not........

genetics may have an awnswer

Are You Seduced Yet?

Full Throttle

Seduction masks proposal:

I am beginning to realise duplicity is the key to success in matters both social and romantic. Why not, then, wear seductive masks to seduce the seductable masses?

Johnny Depp, because everyone seems to fancy Johnny Depp, and everyone seems to love fucking pirates



Beyonce, because I don't know who straight men fancy, and i guess maybe they fancy her, maybe, yes, no? I just like her anyway



and if Dan wanted to seduce me



and if i wanted to Seduce Dan

Call Me If You Look Like He...

Yeah, and i got a click today... were you the boy on the 80 into town, around 11 this morning, with mid-long greasy hair, odd socks and shorts? You were hot. get 'pon it.

But.....ties is what they call them up north especially in Manchester and the surrounding area. Sandwiches shops seem to be the drug of choice still for our lack of love and our lack of life. Although life doesn't seem to be a problem. As I type this my fingers are happily dancing from key to key a sure sign of life.

Now the summer seems to be looking down upon Sheffield all glowing and summery. Our usual day now involves walking around the centre of town or going to centertertainment (highly recommended) This would be the first place and the right place to take a girl on the first date the screens are huge size DOES matter girls.

Should I leave it there?

This seems to be a rather odd entry

LYNX

So we return to Cineworld, once again in the thrall of the screen (IT IS AS TALL AS MY HOUSE AND THREE TIMES AS LONG, THRICE AS LONG YOU MIGHT SAY) ready to watch Pirates Of The Caribbean 3: At Worlds End -

- a side note; we have realised we are repulsive party planners. I know this whole enterprise is somewhat of a wallowing in the puddle of slef-pity, but really! We arranged to go to the cinema a few weeks ago - ended up just me and Dan. We arrange a Big Brother opening night party - ended up just being me and Dan. I invited at least TEN people a week in advance to see Pirates Of The Carib (including my own FAMILY) - ne'ry a soul but me and Dan. In future we are going to conduct our arrangements through our friend Luke to sucker people into attending -

- ready to watch Pirates etc..., watching the Carlton Screen advertising adverts (heat-coals-stars, whhooooooosh! my face branded by Carlton Screen Advertsising) sterling work there, and we see an advert for some kind of voodoo tonic called 'LYNX'. Now, this mysterious substance seems to drive women into such a frenzy of lustfulness that they will literally rape and kill men. We became very excited about this, me on Dan's behalf and Dan on Dan's behalf, as it seems to render the female senses completely focused on viscious, bruising copulation with ugly men. However, Dan has now drunk three bottles of the stuff and their has been no effect, apart from vomit with some red bits in.