what a world, how things have changed

'The delight of the average hostess's heart is the well-bred man, unspoiled by impure blood, who can always be depended upon to give a stout Aryan girl's calves a good work out. He arrives in a batwing jumper, fills his colostomy bag before very long, and can be asked to dispose of a plain, neglected wallflower who is bumming everyone out. He throws his partner through the window after each dance, if she wishes to go, and provides her with a blossoming fear of men. Before leaving her, he cums in her pocket.'

-Mrs. Humphry Manners for Men (2007)

A Gentleman

A gentleman is defined as: A man, one with a bears arms, and a leather pouch on his throat; A man of chivalrous instinct and creamy textures.

It is still expected that a gentleman stand up the first time
a lady enters and leave immediately.

It is considered chivalrous to open a door for a lady and push her out of it.

Should never remove his coat while standing, sitting, riding, walking, rolling, boxing, talking, dancing, sleeping, kissing, driving, marrying, crack-cooking, arguing, consorting, two stepping, foxtroting, songwriting, cooking, playing or jamming with a lady.

Shall never ask a lady to dance if he has his license removed.

Shall lift his hat and drop his trousers when he brushes against a lady on the street.

Should always walk on their heels when walking with one or more ladies.

Shall not hold a ladies arm, except when swinging her around and around and around!

Shall remove his tongue while talking to a lady.

When a gentleman is seated in a restaurant and a lady acquaintance enters and bows the gentleman should slide under the table while he remains seated, if the lady stops at his table the gentleman shall cry quietly till she departs.

A Lady

Never tolerates or performs smooth jazz from or to another human being.

Always cultivates a hairy bush.

Never chews tobacco in Brussels.


Never fixes her appearance (hair or make-up) in her life.

Remembers; to discuss the price of brake fluid is never in good taste.


Does not donkey punch her suitors before engagement.

Accepts and gives diseases graciously.

Never holds private conversations.

Never uses slang or soap.


Always looks for ways to better herself; surgically, technologically and through the ruthless elimination of any and all competition.


Thinks before she kills, once eviscerated, never edible.

Ladies shall never embrace and kiss when they meet in a sauna.


Has at least one reference manual regarding fat juicy dicks.

Lets take it back

'The delight of the average hostess's heart is the well-bred man, unspoiled by conceit, who can always be depended upon to do his duty. He arrives in good time, fills his card before very long, and can be asked to dance with a plain, neglected wallflower or two without resenting it. He takes his partner duly to the refreshment-room after each dance, if she wishes to go, and provides her with whatever she wishes. Before leaving her, he sees her safe at her chaperone's side.'

-Mrs. Humphry Manners for Men (1897)

A Gentleman

A gentleman is defined as: A man of gentle birth, one entitled to bear arms, though not noble; A man of chivalrous instinct and fine feelings.

It is still expected that a gentleman stand up the first time
a lady enters a room or takes her final leave.

It is considered chivalrous to open a door for a lady if he happens to be in reasonable proximity.

Should never remove his coat while standing, sitting, riding, or walking with a lady.

Shall never ask a lady to dance if he has his coat removed.

Shall lift his hat and say Excuse Me when he brushes against a lady on the street.

Should always walk on the outside when walking with one or more ladies.

Shall not hold a ladies arm, except when support is needed.

Shall remove his hat while talking to a lady.

When a gentleman is seated in a restaurant and a lady acquaintance enters and bows the gentleman should return the bow while he remains seated, if the lady stops at his table the gentleman shall rise and remain standing till she departs.

A Lady

Never tolerates or performs rudeness, crudeness, indifference or ignorance from or to another human being.

Always cultivates a positive attitude.

Never chews gum in public.


Never fixes her appearance (hair or make-up) in public.

Remembers; to discuss the price of anything is never in good taste.


Does not gossip.

Accepts and gives compliments graciously.

Never holds private conversations in public gatherings.

Never uses slang or bad language.


Always looks for ways to better herself; spiritually, physically and intellectually.


Thinks before she speaks, once said, never forgotten.

Ladies shall never embrace and kiss when they meet in a public place.


Has at least one reference manual regarding etiquette protocol.

- from www.victoriaspast.com

Why on earth does my knuckle smell of dough?

My hormones have turned inside out in protest and are slowly turning my body into a chipati, knuckles first

Dan France Dan

Dan is in France, I'm not sure where, but somewhere swilling about in there is he.

I, Jamie, have been staying at my mother's home in Bakewell, watching the rain falling down. I emigrated from our new house in Sheffield, for lovely as it is, i am not very good at entertaining myself without the internet. I had one day where i watched TV, played on the playstation, watched a DVD, danced around in my room, shaved my head, did work on my laptop and baked cookies and i was still stupefyingly bored. The flood waters forbade me from leaving the house for any long period of time.

I did, however, manage to squeeze in two trips to the glorious CINEWORLD, which enlightened my head like a blazing coronet. The first was with Phoebe and her sister Timna, to see Harry Potter, a la tram. TRAMMMMM. i love the tram. £2.70? thank you, yes, lets go! the windswept and wet scenery streaked by us like a streaker who was wet. BUT we got there and lo and behold the place was heeeeving. When me and the Dan have gone before, it had been deserted (that was day time and term time though). It was busy as a motherfucker, and we couldn't get into HP: OotP, but we consoled ourselves by seeing Shrek 3 which wasn't as bad as i thought.

Do you know what it's like to sit in a cinema with two bars of chocolate, cinnamon grahams, fruit bonbons and a tray of Baklava on your knee?

It is wicked, thats what its like, although sickliness and food-shame go hand in hand on this one.



Baklava, yes.

And then on Sunday, Ryan, who i had been bugging to come to cinema with me, finally succomed and gave me a lift in his Shiny red new car (she is called Scarlet) to see Harry Potter with him and his teddy bear Tomas. That's meant to be a funny way of describing Tom, he's not actually just a toy.

So we sat down, though it was busy, we got in, and drank up with our eyes and sopped up with our ears all the sticky jazz that eminated from the screen. Very good, i thought!

But i have abandoned all other pursuits in my dedication towards my new beau, Mike Nelson of tv's Mystery Science Theater 3000. This has become my favourite show, it is funnier than anything i have seen! And Mike's a bit of alright as well, and actually, i don't mind Joel either. Maybe this is the heights/depths of my desperation. oh well cop an eyeful

A Sighting

on the bus, laden with laptop, bag and Q-chord, in sunglasses which look like this



this was the 240 to Bakewell, from Sheffield, and at Fox Houses, lo and behold, a fox did come out of his house! I had been boy spotting the whole journey, for some reason deciding to be obnoxiously gay and eyeing up every half decent male i could find. But we stopped by Fox Houses and on comes this boy who just looks like sex. I can't think of any other way to describe him - tallish, bad jeans, but nice lip ring, short black hair, really fucking cute, young. But he was totally checking me out, dude, and i was him. He got off at Grindleford, making eye contact thank you very much.

A small victory, i know, but every baby step i take towards actually acheving human contact is worth noting. Here.

But now how do i make something of a situation like that? maybe i don't. fuck it, it was nice....







If you were that boy, return to me

Meeting Places

July 12th, 22.30



July 7th, 12.30



July 24th, anytime

the search is on the return of the search

the search is on

OK, I know it's late...

but i found something i had to share with you.

Now, I'm not sure how much anyone wants to know about my personal sex life (a lot i bet), but when browsing this evening i found this image, (censored, of course)



I was awestruck. Who wears a Throbbing Gristle T-shirt to make amateur porn? The man I would MARRY, that's who.

If you are out there, you can come on a mission for my dead soul any day.

Coping Strategies

Coping Strategies

Coping Strategies Idea One(For the homosexual male): Paint your glans with nail varnish ( red is recommended) on drifting off to sleep. In the morning stare down and imagine that you have a crippling STD that has made you all swollen. You may feel a sinking dread, but it will be accompanied by a vague fruity acknowledgement that you must have done it with someone.

NOTE: this only works for the first couple of seconds of coming around

patent pending

Coping Strategies

Coping Strategies

Coping Strategies Idea One(For the heterosexual male): Paint your toe nails ( red is recommended) on drifting off to sleep poke your feet out the end of the bed on waking in a morning haze you will be surprised at the female like feet sticking out the end of the bed. This creates the effect of a brief scene of being.

NOTE: this only works for the first couple of seconds of coming around

This is How I Feel

It's getting a bit self indulgent i know, but these are the consequences of being left alone with broadband at my Mum's house. I am looking after an ill brother and i am freaking bored to shit. i feel like a petrified oak. And since Dan insists on having some sort of 'life', i will have to put in the leg work on the jazz evening front. Prepare for a slow belly slide down the mud chute of my words into the fetid marsh self-pity. By tomorrow i will just be posting pictures of myself crying.

On a plus note (there is no such thing, only minuses) i have downloaded a fuck load of soul music. Brenda Holloway, Barbara & The Browns and Marlena Shaw are big on the iTunes at the moment. Soul, in particular Deep Soul, is really the perfect music for me, as it's the most whiny shit in the world. But transcendentally whiny, obviously. Irma Thomas, as I mentioned in my previous post, is currently my mouth piece. 'Yours Until Tomorrow', an incredible ballad from 1968, is unbelievable, I am sure her voice can literally melt wax and burn through microphones on this track. She genuinely sobs as she howls 'Let me be yours until tomorrow, just let me be yours until tomorrow, give me one night, one night of your life, baby, so i can go on'. I think she pierced the sun, and made me go 'owwww, poor me'.

But the ultimate comes with 'I Wish Someone Would Care', the national anthem of lonely blogging twats. The words say it all:

Sitting home alone
Thinking about my past
Wondering how i made it
And how long it's going to last
Sucess has come to lots of them
And failure's always there
Time, time waits for no one
And i wish, how i wish someone would care

Yeah

Some folks think you're happy
When you wear your smile
What about your tribulations
And all, all of your trials?
Smiles, smiles hide lots of things
The good, the bad, the hurt
All of this goes too
And i wish, i wish, how i wish someone would care

Wish someone would care
Don't you think someone should care?
Don't you think someone should care?
Sit down and think about yourself

boo hoo hoo

A Soundtrack to Ours Lifes

It's a hard life for a man with no wife and i wish, how i wish someone would care, because i'm sick and weary of being alone. How many years must a girl be lonely before she ever finds her goal? I don't know baby, maybe it's all in my mind, but it's a lone lone lonely town, and i'm crying every day. I just want to happy, sipping, puffing passing, relaxing with my family, all i really want is to be happy. And doesn't it feel good to know that you've been loved?

I'm so busy, so busy thinking about kissing you, and how i want to do that without entertaining another thought.

Let me be yours until tomorrow.





1) 'Hard Life' by Bonnie 'Prince' Billy
2) 'Wish Someone Would Care' by Irma Thomas, Marcia Ball & Tracie Nelson
3) 'Heart Needs A Home' by Richard & Linda Thompson
4) 'How Many Days?' by Syreeta
5) 'All In My Mind' by Maxine Brown
6) 'Lone Lonely Town' by Tammi Terrell
7) 'No More Tears' by Teedra Moses
8) 'Be Happy' by Mary J. Blige
9) 'A Lovestory' by Thomas Dybdahl
10) 'A Little Lost' by Arthur Russell
11) 'Yours Until Tomorrow' by Irma Thomas

The shorts have been found

£8 from Freshman's bingo









an 'on' shot?



















go on then

Summer Wardrobe

This is what i plan to wear this summer (roughly)

my plan is to lounge around in the Botanical Gardens like I'm on the frigging Chelsea piers or something and try and draw boys to me with my combination of girlish tube-socked calves and hairy thighs poking out of my tennis shorts.

On Finger length

And by the way, my index finger is longer than my third one, so i must be extra gay, which is pretty true actually.

Is this right?

Is this what men want to see? I don't even know anymore



Why did i put tattos in there? is that a male stereotype? The only straight men i know like cooking and eyeliner and sound cards and chess and CD decks and shirts. The only gay men i know like Dreamgirls and bears and dressing up

so, shit, man

keep your ho on a leash

bitch is running wild

Given a romantic setting how could this not work?

Patent Pending

If it was so simple. I have decided to fashion a set of head dresses following on from Jamie’s earlier suggestions of face masks........
To craft such a thing of beauty you will need to first pick your audience, mine is ladies, women, girls, the female.....and as all heterosexual men know what a lady really loves is flowers lots of then.
The trickery is in planting yourself into the bed of the subject.




Patent Pending